Breathing to Live or Living to Breathe?

air embraces me
birthing life into my words
with each breath I take

I am breathing. That's how I know I am here.

I once used air to just keep me from dying. I wasn’t living. I was just not dying. Air didn’t embrace me, it simply enabled me to exist. 

I thought I would die three different times in my life.

The first time I was 7 months pregnant with my second son and was rushing to a doctor's visit. It was raining and as I accelerated to go up an incline I lost control of the vehicle and it spun and flipped on the highway. I remember clutching the steering wheel so tight and screaming Jesus at the top of my lungs all while looking outside the windshield as I flipped through the air. It was like a calmness in my head but as if I was detached from my body I could hear myself saying Jesus over and over again. This is it, I thought. I’m going to die. This is how I am going to die. The air escaped my lungs in waves as panic set in.

The second time I was pregnant with my daughter. I had recently moved to Florida on base with my husband and our two sons, ages 2 and 3. It was his first duty station. We had been having problems within the marriage, but I was determined to make it work so I left my home state of Texas hoping for a fresh start. It didn’t happen. I was miserable. I stood at the edge of the small river in the back of our house and contemplated jumping in. I didn't know how to swim so I knew I would drown. I knew air would leave my lungs and then I would be no more.

The third time I was driving home from my daughter's school and passed so much blood I thought for sure something life threatening was happening.  A pregnancy test confirmed that I was not pregnant, and an ultrasound showed I had a cystic lesion. This wasn’t causing the bleeding I was told, but they wanted to see me in 6 weeks to analyze the lesion and see if it grew or stayed the same. Could it be cancer, a tumor, a miscarriage perhaps? What would cause me to lose so much blood? Is this how I’m going to leave this earth? Am I dying?  The air felt like it was crushing my lungs as I contemplated all the what ifs.

I don’t do well with the unknown. I have an almost innate need to know. Whenever I’m confronted with a problem I quickly summarize it in my head and go straight to the solution. What do we need to do to fix this? Simply your life is how I express this to my kids. Yes, I know you cut your hand, but what do we do now? We’re not going to cry, we’re not going to blame someone for cutting your hand, we’re going to fix it so you are not in pain, and then make sure you know how to avoid cutting your hand in the future. See? Simplify your life.

Air stops us from dying, but does it give us life?

Or is life what we become once we inhale and breathe instead of simply taking breaths?

The choice to live, the desire to live, the vulnerability to know that the choices and breaths you take is what creates your life. 

There is an old song my grandmother use to sing that says,

"By and by when the morning comes, All the saints of God are gathered home, We’ll tell the story how we’ve overcome: For we’ll understand it better by and by."

We will understand, by and by. Live long enough and air will become the most precious gift, breathing life into your soul. Gratitude will flow from your veins as you navigate the air that enters into lungs. This air is life. This air embraces me and I lean into it, and live. And oh what a beautiful life it is!

Share on Facebook | Tweet | Share on LinkedIn